Another cell phone blog. One of my main reasons for insomnia is that my mind tends to think and process when I have a stop/still moment. I can honestly only shut down the "downloads" of information when I do meditation. I think my gift is also a curse I am always processing thoughts, images, conversation and universal "messages". Sometimes those universal messages take just a little longer to smack upside the head.
This weekend was exactly that, along with a convo with my husband. I have been dealing with a huge fear base ego attachment of money. Although I am very successful in my life, most of my time I am not paid. I actually can say in the past few years I have paid out to do the work I do. I have never been in the black. I work in a industry where one day you are in and one day you are out. I do not live in a town where I can shine in my work, therefor must drive-sometimes up to 3 hours away to events. I will work a full 12 hour day with not 1 cent goin into my pocket. So why do I do it? So where is this big scary fear base coming from?
I work as a make up artist an photographer. Lately I have had primary focus on make up artistry. I work a lot of events in fashion industry to fashion shows and editorial shoots. I am successful even spite never really been paid. I have won awards, been in publications, books and fashion week. That has been my reward and payment. However, all the fan fare does not pay the bills at the end of the day. And our move back to the united states caused a huge paycut. Well that was 2 years ago.
We have managed. Things got über scary to the point we almost lost our first home. Lucky and hard my husband was deployed overseas as a contractor. He got to rack in some big bucks and all was well. But was it really? We had to make HUGE sacrifices. I was DX with cancer a month after he left. We made the choice for him to stay. We thought after all having a roof over our head was more important than dealing with cancer. And how could I get healthy while stressing about money here and there. We have a nice home which we worked very hard for. Is it our dream home, in my eyes yes. It's not huge, it's in a nice area of town has a pool and enough space for my craft. It's just enough for us. We have nice things in out home, which we have always bought for quality not quantity. Is some of the things in our home expensive, yes. I fully admit we have a custom leather couch we bought in Germany in 2004 that looks like new and we paid 8k€ for, but my coffee table was a $10 plus 8€ of material find at a thrift store. I am sure by now you are wondering why am I telling you this and what does this have to do with anything. Simply all that could be gone in a second.
When I moved to Germany I left everything I own to be sold at action. I remember at the time my very nice expensive things was sold for less than $500. I was kinda angry at the time. We had nothing when I moved there. Hubby was living out of boxes, so over the years we acquired "stuff" that makes a household. Then we moved back to the USA leaving some of the "stuff" in Germany cause that "stuff" would not work in the USA. So here we are again acquiring more "stuff" to replace. Necessities some can call it. A bed, washer dryer, etc. I would not call it necessity I would call it convenience. We live in a society consumed with "stuff". My husband was telling me how he looked down at a lady whom was sitting next to him on the plane home and how "huge" was her ring. I found this interesting as he looked at mine. Mine is fairly large. But he was talking about his thing like it was the size of the hope diamond. He said that thought made him think how materialistic people/society is. How much they throw away, etc. This man has been living in a tent, dirty water, no proper bathroom or shower for the past year. I can see where he is coming from. Then my thought went to a convo I had with someone about how they want to give their children all the best, even of it was a trip to another country. How angry they was cause they can't. I think I said something along the line if it is meant to be it will happen. The universe has been kind to me and provided when I have called to it. But the universe has also smacked me upside the head. Currently we have faced and facing some huge repairs in our home. The AC unit from when the house was built 1986 decided to break this year. It needs to be replaced and although the insurance paid for repairs on the water damage it caused it does not cover the replacement. It's hot here in Texas with over 100F somedays. I have an ailing father that lives with me and I also have health issues. No AC is an issue, but is it really? I never had AC in Germany. I had fans just like I do now. Inconvenience yes.
This all goes back to my fear base. The timing of house repairs has come at a time where the hubby is returning back home and here comes the pay cut. I should do the right thing and give up the job that does by pay me. And get a "real" 9-5 so I can contribute to the house. Really wtf was I thinking.
Fear base is what I was thinking. My own ego attachment to money. The fear that we have to have this and that for the house. How dare we survive. Really?? I keep asking myself that. I know how to survive. We at point in our life had nothing. Hell one point in my life I was couh surfing and no home. I left my kids with my ex, cause I knew I could not provided for them at that time. I made sacrifices. That's a HUGE one and here I am worried about and AC unit? Fear base ego attachments can be that strong.
I have to take responsiblity to let go. I do and will take that responsiblity. The universe provides. The provisions maybe not always be a clear path. The path is always provided. That to me is profound.
confessions of a starseed
Wisdom to be passed to the human race...